It’s Been A While

I abandoned blogging for a while on this site because life. I haven’t stopped writing though. I chose to write for a website called The Mighty which is a website dedicated to telling stories and bringing awareness in order to end the stigma surrounding people who suffer from mental illness and chronic illness. I write mostly about my experience with bipolar disorder and suicide. It is my truth to tell and in the end my goal is to spread as much hope as possible.

I’ve decided to return to this space because I enjoy instant gratification, which means I get to write and then publish immediately. I think this is probably both good and bad, sometimes it’s good to not publish right away. One of my greatest loves in life is writing. Words are my refuge.

The world these days feels crazy and out of control, so this place and my words need to become my refuge. Words feel like the only control I have left. They can be used to soothe and heal, or to bring knowledge and enlightenment. Words to me are one of the most powerful forces on the planet.

See Me

Image from : www.monicasilva.it
Image from : http://www.monicasilva.it

Do you see me?

Or am I just a canvas for you to thrust yourself upon?

Am I just as pretty and full of personality?

Or do I pale in comparison to the beauty that becomes her?

These things that swirl through my mind, words coiling like a snake ready to strike.

See me.

See me as you wish too, blindingly gorgeous with no one to compare me too.

See me as you hope too, mind-numbingly witty in a verbose world.

See me as only you can, with your eyes, your mind, your hands, your heart.

See past me, through me, into me.

See all of me.

See the good, the bad, the ugly, and the unusual. See the deepest darkest most hopeful me.

Just see me.

#Icantbreathe

Enough is enough. The killings have got to stop. The continuation of spreading fear has got to stop. I am but one person in a sea of many who feels compelled to stand up and say no more.

Who am I but some white woman who knows only about sexism, not racism. I have no idea what it must be like to walk down a street and wonder if I’ll be stopped by a cop or killed because I “look suspicious” or someone is on a power trip and doesn’t care about my life. I don’t think I’ll ever know what that fear must feel like. I only know down to the depths of me that the fear that is experienced every day is WRONG.

There is no justice system anymore. I have no faith in it, not that I ever really did to begin with. Civil rights seem to belong to very few or only the ones with “power”. The system is broken, why do we not demand a better one? Oh that’s right, we have over and over again. We can’t stop until things change.

#stopthefear #stoptheviolence #nomorepolicebrutality #thisisnotapolicestate #takeastand #icantbreathe #blacklivesmatter #everylifematters

I Try To Imagine

I try to imagine a life without you. I know I’ve had one already. But it never seems like it, it seems you’ve always been there like air surrounding me and filling me up.

And then in my minds eye I see that one day you won’t be. All I’ll have left is the memory of you. And an empty feeling in the pit of my being.

Because who will make me laugh until tears stream down my face? Who will level me with a look and small smile that invites me to play with your lips? Who will hold my hand while watching tv or driving to anywhere? Who will love me even when I’m unlovable?

Because those are the things that will be missing and so much more. I try to imagine a life without you, but I can’t because that’s no life at all. How does love become bigger than life? With us.

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Can’t Help It

I can’t help but look to the night sky
The answers seem to be held hostage
In flaming balls of gas that may not even be there
I’m looking up into the past

The mind travels backwards and forwards
Ceaseless and relentlessly searching
For what? I still don’t know
“Be still!” I shout -only to my dismay
A cackle responds and echoes through a foray of endless melodies

Silence is so far away
But I can’t help it
I hold out for hope
One day

Giving Back

give-to-inspire-others-to-give-giving-back-picture-quote33,882. Thirty three THOUSAND eight hundred and eighty two.

I would like for you to ruminate on that number for a moment. It feels large right? Or it could feel mediocre depending on the context. I’ll get to what it means in a moment. For now I’d like to share a story with you.

I was born and raised in Las Vegas, NV, this is my home city. The place where I can go and share a memory about every part of it because I’ve lived all over it and explored it’s nooks and crannies (off of the famous Strip). It’s the place that houses my friends, family, and memories galore. It’s the place I know I can always go back too and feel okay – for the most part. Don’t get me wrong it’s also the place that creates a hole in my heart because of all that happens there.

When I go back each year I see the explosive growth that continues, I’ve watched the city explode since the 80’s. With that growth I’ve also seen the dark side of this place. I’ve watched it suck the life out of people, and seen those people fall to the way side and become a number. I’ve seen them become part of the 33,882. This is how many people experience homelessness in Las Vegas every.single.year.

In 2013 my husband and I went to visit our friends and family and we decided to help an organization, Gobble Gobble Give Las Vegas, feed these people on Thanksgiving Day. We gave 4 hours of our time to let these people know they are seen and cared for, even when it feels like they aren’t. I was so moved by the out pouring of help, the gratitude on the faces of the receivers, the stories that people shared, it was a life changing experience for me. We went back at Christmas time and on Christmas morning delivered blankets, toiletries, water, socks, and snack bags. We didn’t have as much we would’ve liked, but we just enough to help those we could. This year we’re doing it again.

I’m inviting each of you to do something bigger than yourselves, find something to give to another in need. It could be as simple as your time, your ear, your shoulder to lean on, or an old coat or blanket. Remember that no matter where you are unfortunately there is always someone in need, and if it was you wouldn’t you want to know someone cared?

Polarizing Life

I feel so frustrated this morning. I feel polarized in the world, between politics, religion, values, I don’t know where I fit anymore amongst some of my peers. I gave up on a political ideology long ago, although I do tend to be more liberal on social issues, I also gave up religion a while ago – I never truly bought into organized religion in the first place, I found it to be stifling and full of judgment that left a nasty taste in my mouth. I’m not as vocal as I could be because again of the polarizing nature of issues. I want to be respectful of others and I want the same thing – however, I’m finding more and more that it doesn’t work. This “respect” doesn’t exist, this tolerance doesn’t exist, mostly because if you hold the belief that I’m going to hell because I don’t believe as you do then how is there true tolerance or respect in that?

I remember being told by my highly religious grandmother that because of the books I was reading and because of what my mom was reading we’d be going to Hell – I was 10. She and I disagreed  on a lot of things and I’m grateful that I had her to watch over me because my parents couldn’t, but we argued for years about everything. She told me I’d make a great lawyer. I was taught by my mother to question everything, to never take anyone’s word for it, no matter how much I trusted them. She was wrong about a lot, but she was right on when it came to that. I’ve never blindingly believed anything, I’ve never just had faith that something would go one way or another, I realized that in life if you want something there are a series of decisions that are made in order to get it. It’s possible to want something and want something and want something but if all you do is want or wish or hope and never take action then the chances of the want being fulfilled are nowhere near as good as being struck by lightning.

I know that I will never fully agree with everyone on anything, and that’s ok with me, life would be boring otherwise. But sometimes I wish there was some sort of happy medium. But that’s what I get for wishing right? Now I just need to find a way.

Things No one Tells You

pain

Life should come with an instruction manual sometimes, or an in case of emergency pull this lever. No on ever told me that life would be so painful and full of joy all at the same time. No one ever told me that the person who loves you the most will most likely also be the one to hurt you the most. No one ever told me that words spoken or left unsaid can kill. There’s power in that but no one ever told me. I figured this all out on my own.

There are days when I feel like completely giving up on life, when I look in the mirror on those days my brain defaults to – “you’re a failure at life”, to which I begin the argument of prove/disprove, real/unreal, true/untrue. Sometimes it works, sometimes it takes longer to work. Maybe I should have higher expectations, but at the end of the day all I really want is to be grateful for being alive and for finding a way to actually live.

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