“The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely”- Carl Jung
I sit here staring at this screen thinking about waxing poetic about acceptance, when the truth is- I have no idea what that even means. I pretend too though, I pretend to accept myself every morning when I glance at myself in the mirror. That’s the truth of it. We all walk around showing a face to everyone, showing a personality to everyone, showing a side that seems to win approval. Fear stops us from showing all of ourselves. Or at least it does for me. When I think about who I am, the thoughts, actions, decisions, wants, needs, desires- the things that make me- me, I look around at the world, the people in it- how do I fit? I can barely stand myself, but I push through it by grasping the positives that sit in my brain.
It’s a fight isn’t it? Accepting ourselves- faults and all. Sometimes I win and other times I give up. I give up on accepting myself because the part of my brain that can’t accept the mistakes I’ve made tells me that all hope is lost. And then there’s the resilient side of my brain that slams the door in the face of the other, yet there’s a shadow you can see lurking just beyond. Why is it hard to accept that we make mistakes, that we are not perfect, that we are just human after all?
I speak about empathy for others, yet I rarely show it to myself, which makes sense really considering I’m already in my own shoes. I suppose maybe sympathy would be better, but then that feels like self-pity? I don’t know how to be okay. I spend a lot of time thinking about how to help others be okay and here I am coming to the realization that I don’t know how myself or to give myself permission to be okay. Fear that the moment I give in to that feeling it’ll be removed some how.
So, my plan- to learn how to forgive myself, accept that I am allowed to be human, and to be more understanding of myself.