Enough

What does it mean to say enough? I have often felt not enough- put whatever you want in front of that i.e. good, worthy, happy, pretty, smart, etc.. You get the idea. I think we have probably all experienced that feeling at one time or another through out our lives. Lately I’ve been struggling with it more than I care to admit, but I’m trying to really get to the root of it. What I have come up with is this idea that I define myself based on others ideas of me- caring what other people think of me has never really crossed my mind. It’s not a conscious thought that I am actively aware of, as in I don’t sit around wondering all day long what people think of me. I notice though that when someone I am close too makes somewhat of a comparison of me to someone else, I begin to doubt myself and feel less than enough.

When these feelings arise I feel like I’m going to war with myself. I dress up in my mental combat boots, camo, and judo chop my way through the negative thinking. Countering every negative thought with something good. “I’m not lovable enough” countered with “I am loved no matter what”, “I’m not pretty enough” countered with “I am more than my outside shell”. Most of the time this works, it takes me a while though to actually feel it on the inside. I think on a subconscious level I want validation from the people I care about that they see me that way too, but what I really need is to see that I am already these things on the inside. No outside help necessary. I will admit though- it’s  nice to be told that someone else notices the good stuff too.

The person that I am is more than these negative emotions that cloud my mind from time to time. I have a beautiful mind, and I am loved by my husband, family, and friends. My outside shell will change as time goes on and I am ok with that, I  have a few more wisdom strands and some laugh lines- and that truly is ok. What  I cannot continue to do is compare myself to the 20 somethings that are around me, I cannot worry that one or two may catch my husband’s eye (he’s a man, they process visually differently from us- this I accept), I am far greater than they in terms of what is meaningful and what matters the most. So to them I say- enjoy flaunting yourself while you can, for it won’t last, and while you’re busy staring at yourself in the mirror and losing who you are to it, I’ll be over here feeling extremely lucky that I have moved past that and have accomplished far more than I could have ever imagined.

I have a love that most would give their lives for, I have a life that is full and for those things I am grateful. I am grateful that I can say I am enough for myself, and I recognize that, even if my brain wants to challenge me on occassion and make me doubt. I have and will continue to overcome my own thinking. Because I am enough- good, pretty, smart, funny, and loved.

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