Invisible

Striking at the most inconvenient times is this feeling of invisibility, it sneaks up on me and settles over me like a bad magic cloak. It’s just a perception, just a feeling permeating my waking moments, and while it may not be real that doesn’t make it go away. I realize that when I break it down psychologically it stems from childhood and the abandonment issues that tend to creep in every now and then. The psychological attachment theory goes that because of what I lived through I must have insecure attachment in all of my relationships, and for the most part that seems to fit. In light of that knowledge it stands to reason then that this feeling is considered “normal”.

I grow a thicker skin every time this feeling pops up, a protective layer of proverbial bubble wrap to insulate me and then the cloak of invisibility to cover it. Dangerous sentences run through my mind, like “if they knew me at all” which means I have placed an expectation that people should know what I am thinking, feeling, etc. This expectation isn’t fair to anyone, no one can ever really know what another is thinking, feeling, etc unless it’s being communicated clearly and effectively, and even then sometimes it can be convoluted. Awareness of this is key to growing and becoming more secure in my outer as well as inner relationships. I think the more I face the feeling and try to understand it instead of allowing it to take over maybe one day it won’t.

Today in this moment I will choose to take off the cloak and try to analyze it, understand it, be in the moment with it and then fold it up and put it away.

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