Life Doesn’t Wait

I woke up yesterday morning around 4 am with a thought- life doesn’t wait for the depressed brain. When you live with and suffer from depression, life somehow magically goes on around you, while you stand in the middle of it all screaming silently that you don’t want to get left behind. It is a paralyzing feeling, being stuck in a cage built by your mind, and the physical effects of that can stop you in your tracks. And life goes on around you. Life doesn’t wait, people still call and invite you out and you want so badly to say yes but your body won’t cooperate. Eventually anger sets in and the vicious cycle begins. But on the outside it’s so invisible to everyone else.

I have battled personally with this since I was a kid, I have ups and downs, but the downs are really down when they occur. They are the suicidal thoughts that plague the brain, and whisper that life has no meaning and you were only sent here to suffer. I combat that thinking with reminding myself that with everything I’ve gone through I have made it this far, I still have people who care about me, I’m not alone. Sometimes it works and other times I wait it out, holding onto the hope that it will get better, that the next could be better. I think that’s why I hold onto the idea of hope, it is quite literally sometimes the only thing that can get me through.

I’m pretty stubborn which is why I won’t give up so easily, but I also understand those that do or those that want too. I understand it, I get it, I may not be going through or experiencing the exact same thing as you- but I get the emotions behind it. This is by no means a condoning of suicide ideation, it is simply me being human and letting others know that you’re not alone. Life continues, it goes on and it feels like it shouldn’t sometimes, it feels very unfair when you feel like you don’t have control over your own brain, but it can get better. I know that it can. What we the depressed brains need are people to understand, to realize that this is something that we have to fight and to not be so harsh or judgemental. We need to be able to say that we are depressed without fear. We need to feel safe. We need to be able to shed light on this disease of the brain because very simply- life doesn’t wait and neither should we.

What Have We Created?

murraygreenpool2I sit weeping. My tears continuously flow for a man whom I’ve never met but who influenced my life since I was a child. The passing of a “celebrity” doesn’t usually impact me in such a strong way, but this loss, the loss of Robin Williams feels extremely personal. I feel responsible for this death, we all should, look at what we’ve created in this world. How many more people, celebrity or not, have to die because of the world we are creating? The stress levels in the world impact us all, depression impacts us all, addiction impacts us all, there is a ripple effect and we have to acknowledge that- or more will continue to die. 

I know, we all run around saying “Wake up!” everyone, why can’t you see? I know that there is no easy answer or solution to the worlds problems, but we are part of both. Life doesn’t have to be this way, it doesn’t have to be this painful. We need each other, we need to address so much in the world that it feels paralyzing, but one spark can ignite the fire necessary for change. I believe that, I have to believe that. 

If we can create a world where people look around and can’t see a reason to live, why can’t we create a world that is worth living for? Or can we? Can we see the good in everything, even the bad? Is there a way to see that even if today seems like the worst day, that with the next sunrise it’ll be better?

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