Life Doesn’t Wait

I woke up yesterday morning around 4 am with a thought- life doesn’t wait for the depressed brain. When you live with and suffer from depression, life somehow magically goes on around you, while you stand in the middle of it all screaming silently that you don’t want to get left behind. It is a paralyzing feeling, being stuck in a cage built by your mind, and the physical effects of that can stop you in your tracks. And life goes on around you. Life doesn’t wait, people still call and invite you out and you want so badly to say yes but your body won’t cooperate. Eventually anger sets in and the vicious cycle begins. But on the outside it’s so invisible to everyone else.

I have battled personally with this since I was a kid, I have ups and downs, but the downs are really down when they occur. They are the suicidal thoughts that plague the brain, and whisper that life has no meaning and you were only sent here to suffer. I combat that thinking with reminding myself that with everything I’ve gone through I have made it this far, I still have people who care about me, I’m not alone. Sometimes it works and other times I wait it out, holding onto the hope that it will get better, that the next could be better. I think that’s why I hold onto the idea of hope, it is quite literally sometimes the only thing that can get me through.

I’m pretty stubborn which is why I won’t give up so easily, but I also understand those that do or those that want too. I understand it, I get it, I may not be going through or experiencing the exact same thing as you- but I get the emotions behind it. This is by no means a condoning of suicide ideation, it is simply me being human and letting others know that you’re not alone. Life continues, it goes on and it feels like it shouldn’t sometimes, it feels very unfair when you feel like you don’t have control over your own brain, but it can get better. I know that it can. What we the depressed brains need are people to understand, to realize that this is something that we have to fight and to not be so harsh or judgemental. We need to be able to say that we are depressed without fear. We need to feel safe. We need to be able to shed light on this disease of the brain because very simply- life doesn’t wait and neither should we.

What Have We Created?

murraygreenpool2I sit weeping. My tears continuously flow for a man whom I’ve never met but who influenced my life since I was a child. The passing of a “celebrity” doesn’t usually impact me in such a strong way, but this loss, the loss of Robin Williams feels extremely personal. I feel responsible for this death, we all should, look at what we’ve created in this world. How many more people, celebrity or not, have to die because of the world we are creating? The stress levels in the world impact us all, depression impacts us all, addiction impacts us all, there is a ripple effect and we have to acknowledge that- or more will continue to die. 

I know, we all run around saying “Wake up!” everyone, why can’t you see? I know that there is no easy answer or solution to the worlds problems, but we are part of both. Life doesn’t have to be this way, it doesn’t have to be this painful. We need each other, we need to address so much in the world that it feels paralyzing, but one spark can ignite the fire necessary for change. I believe that, I have to believe that. 

If we can create a world where people look around and can’t see a reason to live, why can’t we create a world that is worth living for? Or can we? Can we see the good in everything, even the bad? Is there a way to see that even if today seems like the worst day, that with the next sunrise it’ll be better?

Invisible

Striking at the most inconvenient times is this feeling of invisibility, it sneaks up on me and settles over me like a bad magic cloak. It’s just a perception, just a feeling permeating my waking moments, and while it may not be real that doesn’t make it go away. I realize that when I break it down psychologically it stems from childhood and the abandonment issues that tend to creep in every now and then. The psychological attachment theory goes that because of what I lived through I must have insecure attachment in all of my relationships, and for the most part that seems to fit. In light of that knowledge it stands to reason then that this feeling is considered “normal”.

I grow a thicker skin every time this feeling pops up, a protective layer of proverbial bubble wrap to insulate me and then the cloak of invisibility to cover it. Dangerous sentences run through my mind, like “if they knew me at all” which means I have placed an expectation that people should know what I am thinking, feeling, etc. This expectation isn’t fair to anyone, no one can ever really know what another is thinking, feeling, etc unless it’s being communicated clearly and effectively, and even then sometimes it can be convoluted. Awareness of this is key to growing and becoming more secure in my outer as well as inner relationships. I think the more I face the feeling and try to understand it instead of allowing it to take over maybe one day it won’t.

Today in this moment I will choose to take off the cloak and try to analyze it, understand it, be in the moment with it and then fold it up and put it away.

Learning to Live Again…and Again..

live again

 (Image by anarchy-camp.com)

It seems life lessons are never out of stock, they are there for  you no matter what. You are born, you learn to crawl before you walk and to talk usually before that, at least that’s how it went for me. Through all this learning I’ve sometimes found myself thinking will there ever be an end point, will there ever come a point when my brain says -ENOUGH! I CAN TAKE NO MORE! I surely hope not. I find that I’m constantly learning how to live over and over again, one path takes me one way, then I zig instead of zag and BAM! next thing I know I’m walking into walls with no windows or doors, just an endless hall way or sometimes a round room with no corners to hide in. I go passionately towards the thing that will fill me up the most and then fall flat on my face inches before reaching it. So, I learn to live again, changing over and over again to “fit” into something.

I’d really rather fit into my own skin. I’ve been fighting for life for 35 years, fighting instead of embracing. Who am I but the words floating around inside my head like little thought bubbles waiting to burst. What do I want? Why do I stop myself? I am the only roadblock in my own way right? Where does my worth lie? Why do I keep settling for what doesn’t actually serve to inspire me? How can I create that space in life? How can I learn to live again without fear?

Stories We Tell

tumblr-image-slowed-dr-who-quote

I have been thinking lately about the stories we tell ourselves and each other about our lives, the impact we leave behind with each story and it’s ripple effect. In the end, it is what we all are- a story somewhere to someone. In the spirit of story-telling here is the beginning of one from me to you. Enjoy.

A place down a street and up a hill is where you’ll find her. She escapes to the quiet, deserted end of a road that puts her above the only place she’s ever called home. She drives down the street and up the hill to the crest, watching in her rearview mirror the lights get brighter against the black back drop of a starless night. Who needs stars when you have a city made of gold. She pulls over on the side of road, shuts the engine almost all the way off- leaving only enough energy to power the stereo, climbs out and sits on the hood waiting for the music to begin. She comes here to escape the noise of the city, to be as far away as possible, cloaked in darkness with nothing but her mind and music and the beautiful golden light. When you’re in the thick of it, you can’t see just how much beauty there is, that’s the funny thing about life.

Her mind drifts back to countless other times she’d been to this place- what was different now? Oh yes, she was alone. This place where she’d fallen in love and forgotten to say it, the words dancing in the shadows on her tongue never quite making their appearance  in the light. The time her heart broke into a million pieces and the pain so unbearable she couldn’t quite believe it belonged to her. This place held all of those memories and now it was time for something new. How can you begin to heal if you are stuck in the past position? This is the question begging for her attention.

To be continued…..

Hope In Despair (Pieces of Hope Series)

butterfly quoteThis is a blog post written by a very dear friend of mine, who as she states below, I’ve never actually met in person. Ah yes the beauty of the internet- bringing people who are thousands of miles apart together in an instant. I asked her to write something for my Pieces of Hope series and she did not disappoint. Her post below is about gaining hope in the face of despair, it is poignant, heart-strings-pulling, and most of all- honest. Thank you Matja Klaric for sharing yourself with us- much love to you.

June 15, 2014

“Not long ago, my dear friend Mesa (whom I have never met in person, but have strong affinity for, as if we knew each other for years) asked me to write something for this site. Although I was all for it, I could not force myself to start working on this blog for weeks. How could I wrote about hope, when I see every day as a struggle and I am constantly wondering do I have any hope left in me at all? What keeps me going, I do not know; you can believe me that I do not know how I manage to keep going after all I have been through during the last year and a half.

Is it that long already? Yes, it is… and there is still no end in sight.

But perhaps I am the right person to write about this exactly because I struggle so hard with finding the strength to keep going in the face of hopelessness and as hard as it is, I have managed to keep going and survive each and every single day for the last 18 months. That’s well over 500 days, well over 500 battles, well over 500 almost lost hopes that I still somehow managed not to lose (at least not entirely) up to this day.

Now that does not at all look impressive when one struggles with it on a daily basis, but when one looks back and realizes that she has managed to survive well over 500 days of agony, anguish, and pain, she realizes that this is in fact very impressive and quite an achievement.

Due to the paralyzing psychological pain that tends to be inseparable from the severe kind of life’s test and trails some (if not all) of us have to go through at least couple of times in our lives, I was not able to write a diary about what I was going through, as I felt so blocked with pain, even though I was well aware that writing would be advisable and of great help.

But now, today, on this yet another day in a row of very special over 500 days, when I realized how far I have gotten without giving up or harming myself, this awareness alone have pushed me to finally start to write it.

And so today, on June 15, 2014, I promise myself that I will push myself and write at least one sentence in a dairy of a soul who has almost lost hope and has to struggle daily not to let go…

Gratitude is a word of the day, and today it is dedicate to Mesa who inspired me and thus helped me to do this. Thank you Mesa.”

Stand Up For Better

Let’s be real with each other for a moment- no matter how much hope we have for the future and no matter how much we think “they” (they being govt, scientists, academics, etc..) can fix this, the brutally honest truth is- it’s going to take all of us as a collective to get anything done. No one is out there in an ivory tower coming up with solutions, the ivory tower folks are counting their bills with masks on while we suffocate on tainted air. We have to stand up for better. We have to demand change, we have to do it together. We have to see past the stupid labels and see each other as humans, not party lines, or sexual preferences, or even genders. We are all living on this planet together- realize that we have no where else to go, and if you believe in a heaven or hell- good for you, but don’t let that stop you from making this place the best we can. I have children, I refuse to believe that the world they are inheriting is doomed. I believe we are better than that, I believe we are much more capable than we give ourselves credit for, I believe in fighting for better.

A better world, a safer environment, a community that can thrive, those are real and possible. I don’t believe in a God who will come down to save us, I believe in having faith in each other and ourselves to create something different and better. I am not an angry “atheist” I am an angry human who sees injustice, harm, war, poverty, inequality, and empathy lacking humans who choose greed above all. I am angry and scared and sad and all at the same time- full of hope. I see the amazing things that humans have come up with to make things better, more efficient, safer for all. I am friends with some amazing people who inspire me to want to do more and be more for the this world, this planet, this rock that we live on flying through space that is our only home. If we could just see that this space that we inhabit that is polluted almost beyond repair is our home– it is the place where we rest our weary heads every night, it is the place where we share our meals with family and friends, it the place where hopes and dreams are made, it is the place where we breathe a sigh of relief after a long day, there is no other place like it. If we treated this planet as if it were our home we would not dump trash or toxic chemicals into our living rooms, so why do we do it outside? We would not treat a guest in our home with hatred and hostility, yet we treat others who are “different” that way outside of our living room walls- why?

We have a condition- the human condition, which is malleable, it is not a fixed condition. We can change and continue to change, that is the beauty of evolution. We are not different from each  other, we are only taught that we are, we all have the same basic needs, it’s not esoteric, it’s not spiritual, it’s humanness. We all need certain things to survive and thrive- food, water, shelter, compassion and empathy (or love depending on how you look at it), and cooperation. Cooperation is fostered by empathy and compassion, hence the reason for mirror neurons. Everything we’ve done as a species was to combat suffering, yet in the process we inadvertently created more suffering for the planet but using finite resources due to ignorance. We don’t have too be ignorant any longer, we know the differences now, and we have to be willing to stand up for better. We have to do it together. Will you join me?

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